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Wednesday, 4 October 2017


EULOGY AND PUFFERY II by Ebi Robert and Jodekss Gloatkenf

This is our agreement: The first: We've met and we are talking about the supremacy of beauty and grace of the ladies we love. I am of the opinion that my lady is the best and you are of the same opinion as well. So we shall eulogize our ladies. You shall speak in one stanza, while I speak in the next. We put in every effort to create the praise greater than the previous stanzas that. This we shall do until the end. Then at the end, you summarize that we are simply men in love.

Fairy land had to mould this fairy belle in within my reach
I shall spew of her glowing eyes and colourful lips; shall I not preach
Her ministry, her aura which compels the mighty men of valour to complain
To curse their own misuses to win my belle with a refrain?

Ebi Robert:

Speak of her ministry and never Pass to speak of mine
She is dirty for stanzas, blue black lines, fatty fats and fine fart
Thou shall screw the perfume, smell this goose and goose this goose
Till nothing for nostril, shall thy holes dew for her few...


First, she be to me as another nought from the North without worth
But the very villainy veil cursing the course of this cherub ceased
Suddenly swiftly slid lost then fervour be outpouring in thought
As yet my might as a Maharaja cannot grasp her charm so fleeced

Ebi Robert:

Oh, to the north be gone her fairness and fare!
For to the East wind moves my band that brags
I bomb and bamboozle every bard that brags
For she's worth the West and the South miles that bend
Beg thee that thine speech don't feast thee
For I spare no sec for she does ease


Oh! Shall I not proclaim and profess confessing her pleasing tease?
With ease she smiles wide blowing the whole wide world apiece
And even the goodly good cooling cute gazes of white ones -
Weighting in the West office
She comptrols as my Maharani within beauteous gazes n' touches
Her skin alone, in their natural self shall I in love send seasons of praises
And shall I not reiterate with pride the prestigious cheers this cheek encases? 

Ebi Robert:

Her pleasing tease to proclaim?
Aye, I, myself, only I sight her pleasing kiss
Wet wine that wave my waist to daily soak in winery
I blast the winter wind and whitish wings, of stories to be told
Of how pure a beauty was,
of shy was the scary sky-
Shall the sky not be shy?
When the earth bear buds bogging this born
Burn thee and shy if thou may
Once scared for this western Kiss is twice skilled for this southern tease


Sniffing in her passing chariot of pinkish embrace in odour of essence
Bewitches me and not only that, nay, but also other high borns
She is low born
She is no low born
But high born like the princess the Princes of Persia-
Allot ages waiting for to sense
And she's being low high born with zillions of stars reeking her passages
Wanting to cuddle, mingle, commingle
As thee the audience be being been fallen already in her catchy cages
As she 'tweaks' 'tushed' twisting her shaped behind by
Rousing chariots as they match pass
As the farmers plucking their ripe and ripping pretty pawpaw drop to grass
To follow her cursing elegance as killing as it be as loving she as well pass

Ebi  Robert:

Nay, thy lady learns
Mine is charioted by Zues on Olympus and clues
Mountains top and mountain deep
Beat by beat, speed by speed
She seats on golden stool stealing the heavens’ view
Wind by wind, speed by speed
She sail the clouds, of wisp and flash
Tickling lights in cloudy lights
For she, the queen returns a visit
Like she did to Solomon for wisdom view and viewing too
And Aye, for she measure must plus how men sail her coast to view her too


Tho' Zeu's a myth but of Solomon I encourage through towards then
Lo behold the commands of her feathery thudding cat-walking
And the maze she holds through the den
Like the Deborah deary, daring the disturbia –
The disturbing kings against the centre of the earth
As she is a lioness who's roar alone even with mane-
As mighty and bulky bullying as they parade
Rouse with respect as each piece of hair heard
Her pride and settle with their cutting grade
Less she's graded she might degrade-
And stop to prey and pray for me to feed
Lest the others alike come comely with their
Poor pretty's to waggle tales told to jot
The manager of my heart and the keeper of my mind
The queen I shall for free lib my oeuvre for from here
To the space and back I shall the stars know and record well and firm
In their epoch
Their once lived a bard boy who fell for one drama Queen to 'em
And scribes from galaxies and the milky ways shall hold our legacies
For this one, this very one, this one with luminous eyes is priceless 

Ebi  Robert:

I spark my ways to seven stars, say perfect look my eyes
Thou canst refuse her polished hair weaved with diamond threads
For Zues no myth to raise her brow
For at my imagery I maze her pace
Little passes these lips of hips
Without spitting the blaze of her face
Spit for fire and brim, while I ash every dinner of doubt
Mind no Jupiter for godly taste
She makes merry for idol's sake
Stay and make her praise
I shall grant you and summer holiday


Come, I am coming to come along with wit with
You compeer to compare my Queenie
With another planet pure pretty witty as the earth be
Vast in complex simplicity with the morn sky which canst but be
Cooling like like the cool rock rocking with touches of the breezeing dawn
Down from the foams walking company up the firmament of of heaven
Could be culled to be her hairdo she plate just of recent
As they glimmer and light with lighting effect with grace bellowed by
As each of her lexicon let out are healing rain drops
Which feeds souls and impresses my thirsty mo
As the feet of the earth upon which her feet dances upon as she dramatise
As she works
As she walks
As she stands
As she jumps
Gives good glorious manure to the feeds feeding man
By making 'em plummet proper on on time 
Ebi  Robert:

I compare not the these hairs that are paired
I severe the beau that is clear
Comparison comes when two takes to pair
And severe when two stink to near
Thine lady stink to near
She lows, she bows and goes
When mine beau is told
I feel for the Excellency of her smile
that seals miles away her cheek and beam
Burn the iris that is ill when hills keeps her skills
For she walks and talks like everything that is won


Shall I be 'busive in remarks then this panegyrics
Would these not lose the premier?
Shall change I the tone to clear the’ for her the calmly Clyde
Then shall this praises not be watered with all the elevations wore it afore?
I shall but not enjoin in the course of cause to curse
But to park darling dirt together where they are born frosh
At the breaking of the day when the time's as appealing as the
Amazement resting in the faces and
The doubly gazes of Davinci's drawing
And shall I not put lahar into effect from-
The beneath backs of the earth to rise up
To form funky fine furnaces of fairy flameless fires
To mould her face via same
Shall I not break the dirt pebble, light and gummy in countless companies?
As the she shores' sands merit and make 'em into gummy
And as 'colorful as the statute of liberty with the glowing gold rounded up
By doubly direless moons, shining sons and jupiters jogging by same
Whilst the mars with her cooling oven shall always stabilize her diamond bodies
With her effects... she has merited more than these, o please, she has'. 

Ebi  Robert:

Whilst Mars matches by, I spit clues of what precious visage I cage
But will space via void vomit nothing as she walks?
See, I bear no curse for comparison is but on that Son and Sun spoil no sum.
For blood bath the son and beam bathe the Sun
See, pretty explore the ribbons hung that flesh
Reddish spots that spurs the dots form for fought
Ho! Diators that Gla, seal swords and spoil
To win but her is something worth
Flora-her they done, they gone
Her princely curves they done, they gone!


My titular princess and queen of the empire of my mild mind
This the pride of barbados I have spoken for for real
The mustard seed as dome and precisely chubby to be still
Mother of many mothers who princesses and queens in kempt polite with seal.
I shall immortalise you like marble not like a rusting steal
Or make you be reeled by millions, billions, zillions of centuries to fall
In my roles and child and children to be born shall reel this, even
And marvel with tears of joys rolling down like fountains of glories
From their eyes filled with fulfilled joys in the heart for these stories from storeys
And shall wish for your fate and this of love and fervour I share thee
And shall pay you tribute on daily bases as if she be their breath to be.

Ebi  Robert:

Doth the Rose not know that she rouse?
Or that Rome wrote of Little Rose?
Mask her once forevermore, she but the Force thou forlorn.
Mask her I swear she is dear-
The sparkling sparkle sparking the tent
Where angels hid to sing of her scent
Vacating heaven for the quest-
Is she is Red, and white and green?
For Rose she is and green for clean?
The Diators must Gla deep and bleed
And win her heart, so worth a deed...


Tho' I am a or of Caribbean blue but she is in for any blue as it blue, Chelsea blue
Thus I shall sue
Sue those which lie up looking at us all in the scalp, the firmament
The sky, the clouds
The cumulus and its crossing chiding chores up high
She is as high as the same and as be as very vital
Like the salt be very august to the composition of a better soup
Then to the nimbus with her nearness and nearness always nigh
As she be at a distant land of Ekiti yet but in yonder and lingering
I am as close to this diva who's bearing my fate up raising my fame
Past like the Madiba of the South of us like the stratus straight
In paces as she plain like the plane, Air force 1 respected as with its chiefly powers
And polite enigmatic prowess
She bears as she cruises the faces of heaven to come down to go up
Dialysis tho' but she is as pure in the heart like the angel who refused to fall.

Ebi  Robert:

Aye, complex commerce means this trade..
Thy lass at last is for worthy prize
Yet, dicey my lass she sure must last -
She sings and birds keep still and blast-
Why voice and us, miss they the tune ?
Dawn dawn on thee
On voices resting on me
Bless now this queen she conquer my sins..
Too sweet this queen she suffer my sins

Of all, in all, to all, all in all we both big bard bad boys be foolishly insane lovers
Crazy and would wet ourselves stupidly just to praise and paint in covers
Lovers who might or might not leave us in spite
Of our ages and tussles to praise same
But shame to be not to such game
As we've in goodness and even refrain even for good the ills of these belles
Forth and back back and forth for good and not gore
For adore
Not shame
For fame
For glorious reeling for eyes to be to see and
Ears seated all ears to hear as the low and richly hand and
To meet or to count these panegyrics of scansion amount
Aye, till even time itself run out of tick-tock paces trying to count.

Tuesday, 3 October 2017



I was sorrowful. Though I had poured out my heart, I ready for the next. I wondered how I could cope with English Language. There was just nothing I could do. My role was just to read hard, pray and write and pray again in righteousness, and that I had done. The rest was just his. 

Joseph Dokubo had been admitted into the University of Port-Harcourt to read Civil engineering. At the same time, he had gotten admitted into the Niger Delta University to study electrical engineering, but he preferred the University of Port Harcourt to the Niger Delta University. Not only that, he wanted to be a structural engineer. He had gotten his inspiration from the character, Michael Scoltfield in Prison Break. Joseph admired Michael and his extraordinary abilities. He kind off acted smart, but tricky sometimes. I was not cool with that, but I had no choice.

Joseph told me of the situation. I was sure that was the same battle I was fighting; a battle I believed I had already lost. Joseph’s Jamb admission letter had the Niger Delta University admission offer. So he was also expected to make a change as I was told. I disclosed the information to him. He in turn went to NDU and confirmed the process; someone had to go to Abuja at least. He spoke to his father about it, and his father agreed to travel to Abuja. Something in me asked me to ask him to also take my papers as well. So I obeyed the voice and asked him to help me. Joseph’s father agreed and after some days of travel, he came back with two forms. According to him, we are expected to go to the school we want to reject, get the admission rejected and also go to the school whose admission we want to accept. Get it accepted and then return it back to Abuja. But the father told us that he won’t return to Abuja for that purpose because he spent too much in his first trip. I was sure, Joseph’s father was serious. He was a retired Naval officer and hardly are such officers unserious.

I had a little life line with me, but I wasn’t sure of the step I was about to take. Verification process was getting to a close. I was afraid I wouldn’t meet up. At a point I was asking myself if the step I took was the right one at all. 

I visited the Gospel Deliverance Mission, at Amassoma where I got to speak one on one Bro. Odubo, the registrar of NDUas he then was. He convinced me of the fact that I will get verified after the rejection. So, I was sure of the verification exercise. What was left was the rejection to be done at the Federal University Otuoke. 

I began my journey to Otuoke one good day. The School was under construction then. The school administration was making use of some buildings outside the school environment for administrative activities. I waited to see Mr. Suowari the registrar of the school, but all to no avail. I was about leaving the premises when I saw a phone number on a sign post with the name Mr. Souwari on it. I was skeptical about the number, because I saw no reason why a registrar’s number will just be displayed on a post-board. But the voice in me asking to take the number was so strong, in that I had no other option than to make a try. I took the number and put a call across. The call was picked and the person who answered confirmed he was the registrar. I was shocked. I told him about the situation and he asked me to visit him in the office. I later called and met him in his office where he signed the rejection form and stamped it. He wanted to convince me to stay in the School but seeing my other course, he reserved his convincing. 

One side had already been done. I went to NDU and got it signed for acceptance and with a note given to me by the registrar I was attended to immediately. I was immediately verified. Although, verification had ended already, the School had to open it for my sake and others. One of the staff in the admission office wanted to confirm it all, so I she asked of my name which I gladly gave her. She logged it in and Lo, I got to realize that my name was the first in the list having scored the highest in the POST UME. I thanked God for everything. I thanked him for the strength and ability. I was grateful for his help and with what I saw I was convinced of my readiness for the next task. 

Soon I had finished all the registration process and was set for School. I arrived the Niger Delta University, looking so naïve. One Azi Imomotimi was the first person in my class I spoke with. I asked some question to get myself acquitted with the happenings in the school. I met some wonderful persons and started making some new pals. The students were quite intelligent and I was impressed. But while in school my mind was always bordered with the thoughts of my new jamb admission letter. I checked the Jamb admission severally but all to no avail. I had sent the acceptance form to Abuja through the DHL. Although, I was told that the package had arrived, but with the delay I experienced I wasn’t sure anymore. I had no other choice left than to go to Abuja. 

I traveled to Abuja and stayed in the Gospel Deliverance Mission branch then at Lugbe. There I met Bro. Simeon and Bro. Goodnews. I went to Bwari where the office was located only to find out that the form was nowhere to be found. I contacted DHL and was given the name of the person who received the letter. Her name was Mrs. Kanu. I located the fat lady, but she denied signing any of such a letter. I was so confused. The secretary at the Registrar’s office checked as well but there was not such record. With the advice of the secretary I had to collect another form and returned back to Yenagoa. I passed through all the processes again, after which I returned to Abuja for the second time. This time, the form was stamped and receipt collected after payment of as sum for the rejection. 

I returned to School and kept on checking online. Some days after, the change was made. I became calm. At least, I was sure I was in school. Soon we were called to the Faculty of Law, Bar where we took our oath of allegiance. For a display, some of our seniors at the Bar, introduced us to the profession by teaching us of the ethics of the profession and Court decorum. We were also introduced to Court mooting which was about advocacy but quite different from debate. I watched closely and enjoyed every bit of the display. I was sure of one thing: I WILL GO IN THIS ONE DAY!!

[STAR ADVOCATE OF THE EPISODE-   There will be no star advocate for the episode] 

[Suspense- in next episode, readers will get to know how I began my journey to Mooting]


Thursday, 14 September 2017



Life had to just continue amidst all the travail. I had to find a way to cope, no matter how hard it may seem. I was very sure of the creator’s code; he never fails, he is righteous. All I could do was believe in him still, no matter how tough the circumstance was. At that point in my life, God was the only refuge and surety I had. I was ready for the fourth WAEC examination, because that was the only way out, but like I promised, I never intended writing it again if for any reason I fail that subject called English Language. After all, it isn’t my father’s. It is simply one white’s man language that I was forced to learn. So boring at times; I have always had a big fight with the “R” consonant, so each time I pronounced a word with it; I got the best jest from those fellas who believed that some tongues were not just well cut. Yet Literature in English remained my favourite subject even though, then, I never knew what Literature was looking for inside ENGLISH LANGUAGE. 

I was ready for the next session exams. I had already prepared my heart for it when a friend of mine told me to go check out my 2009 results that was ‘outstanding’. According to him, he had checked his which was showing the same result but it was released. Perhaps I could be lucky he said. I smiled it off; there was no how that result could be released. I had given up on it. If not for that result that wasn’t released, I wouldn’t have written English Language for a third time. Besides, I had checked almost seven times, and nothing showed up. 

“Leave that result abeg. You know how many times I don check am? I don buy scratch card, finish the first one. Now you say make I go check again”. 

I refused his advice, yet he kept on asking me to check. So I had no choice than to summon the courage to check. After all, there was no harm in doing so. So, I visited one of the stores where the cards were sold, and in the company of one of my colleagues, I went to a business centre where the result was to be checked again. I looked firmly at the person who was logging in. He had requested for my PIN and examination number which I had provided. ‘Hmm’.. It was loading and the after some seconds, the result was out. I looked and couldn’t find the word “OUTSTANDING” anymore. It was like a dream. I was not too calm though, because though the long word was nowhere to be found, I had to be sure of what the grade was. What I needed was the least Credit and my days of WAEC examination will be over. I looked closely and checked, and guess what? I got a C6. 

It was like a dream. I jumped up and hugged the lady beside me. I praised God for it because I had passed it at last. So I won’t write WAEC for the fourth time as I thought! Finally, God had proven my friends wrong. I was so happy, but a man who never understood then asked me: Is it because of WAEC you passed, that you are so happy this way? I looked at the man’s face and said: “If only you know what it means to write an exams like this on your own in the midst of persecution and you being cheated as well and above all, passing, then you will understand why I am jumping and singing about this little C6 (words amended)?”

C6 is the least credit grade, yet it was an A+ for me. I knew what I had suffered because of my faith. For others it was rosy, but for me it was different. The man was touched at my words and so congratulated me.
I came back home as a little hero. Better young, yet noted for doing something some felt was impossible. My siblings were all quiet and so I was ready for the next challenge. JAMB and POST UME exercises were the next. I started reading from the day I saw my result, I was determined to make sure I entered into the University the next session. So I studied hard, I had the duty of also proving to my friends that those exams were like every other exams. Despite passing the WAEC on their very before, they antagonized me still concerning the JAMB. I just could not understand, but they had seen it as a heavenly exam that must be passed by all means. But for me, it was different, I felt that the best way out was to study hard and with God by my side, I will triumph. I bought the necessary books, finished them back to back and also read most of the past question papers, answering all the questions myself. I tested my hand on them; I worked on my speed and accuracy and it was cool after a while. I hardly read at night, so I busied myself during the day as usual for me. 

One Medical officer who I respected so much was among those arguing about the need for malpractice or bullet as they call it. I always argued against him and many others almost every day. I came to realize that those for God are always few, because I was the only youth among my peers in the compound who refused the idea. For the Medical officer, it was a challenge to him. I asked God that I wanted to write my JAMB at the faculty of Law, Niger Delta University, because the last time I wrote my exams there, I wasn’t disturbed at all. My prayer was answered because that was exactly the place given to me by JAMB. Then a computer Centre operator who registered me, looked at me and said sometime like this: “Young man, it seems God is with you.”

I smiled because I knew that God was about proving himself beyond man’s comprehension. Luckily for me, the Medical officer was posted to the same centre. So I thought it was a good opportunity to convince him of what I said. We entered the exam hall and wrote the exams. I guess he must have observed me working on my own. A lazy student around me had not written anything, I guess while waiting for BULLETS that did not arrive. I left the exam hall smiling. I was sure all was well, except for some questions, I was sure of my victory. The results came out and I scored a total of 228. 

The score was too small for me I thought. How can I successfully get admitted to study law with such a score, considering the level of competition on the course? By then, the Federal University was newly established, and ready to admit the pioneer set. So I filled NDU as my first choice institution with Law as the first course and also the Federal University Otuoke as my second choice University with English language. Later I was so scared because I wasn’t sure I would be admitted so I had to change the Law as first choice to Theatre Art. 

Later, being still confused, I met a friend and told him about my plight. He then advised me to fill Law again, telling that I will make it. I was so confused, so I gave an opinion, I said: “God will not come down from heaven to tell me what to read, so I am going to act as my instinct tells me, and I believe God will confirm it. I have going to write the name of both courses on a paper and ask you to pick and the one you pick will be the one I will choice.” He accepted and so the lot was casted, and I guess he picked LAW. 

I was so confused and so I asked: Could this really be the will of God? I refused the lot and intended leaving it the way it was, but Joseph Dokubo who was the son of the proprietress of the school I worked in, who was also the guy who picked the lot asked me to fill Law. He convinced me and I summoned the courage and filled it back, but this time around, I changed the universities. NDU was taken as a second choice, not knowing I was simply complicating issues for myself. I got to understand the mistake I had made after some months. 

I prepared for the POST UME as usual. I first wrote that of Otuoke and scored a total of 257, but I was not okay with the score. I needed something better. I later wrote that of NDU, and I was sure I did well even though my score was not sent to me. Soon we were told that the Otuoke University had offered students admission, so I checked and found out that I had been admitted to study English Language, I was calm, at least I was sure of going to school that year, yet English Language was not my dream course. Law was. So I patiently waited for a response from NDU, but all to no avail. No text message was sent even though I had given the institution my contacts. 

Soon, I was told that the second choice students had been admitted, so I went to a cyber Café and checked and Lo, I had been admitted to study Law. I was so happy. I jumped up to the skies. I went home and told my people of the mercies of God towards me. Everyone was happy for me. I wondered how my jamb score scaled me through. Though I had not seen my POST UME score then, but I was sure, it was something reasonable. I told my mum about it and some monies were sent to me for payment of my fees. I printed out my admission letter from the school but my Jamb admission letter was Otuoke’s. I had no JAMB admission letter from NDU. Based on what I was able to understand, Otuoke had sent my name to Jamb before NDU second list was sent and I needed the JAMB admission letter to get admitted into NDU, but how could I get it? I had also had a name issue which mad me to swear an affidavit in court and as well published it in the Compass National Newspaper after selling my first laptop. It was so frustrating. I had gotten to know about the issue after I paid for the acceptance fee in NDU. I got to NDU for the verification exercise but the school didn’t accept me because I had no JAMB admission letter. According to them I had to reject the admission but NDU no longer did that. Therefore, for that to be done, I had to travel to Abuja. I wondered how I could do that. I know no one in Abuja.  I had no idea how long it will last. My supposed course mates had spent almost a month taking lectures while I was at home. How do I get the money to go to Abuja and come back? I was sure all hope was lost. Two admissions which ordinary ought to be a basket of blessings ended up giving me tears instead. If I had not gotten the admission to study Law, it would have been different, but there I was; a young man who fought for it and when it was time for me to smile, my dream course was just slipping away. I just said to myself that if it is the will of God, let it be done. 

Soon I started seeing myself as an English Student. Sure I had no choice; I was just ready for the task ahead even though I was not happy. It was as if I was almost getting all okay with it not until I watched one Filipino movie with the name: DESTINED HEARTS, where I saw the Characters of Christain and Ara playing the role of two intelligent lawyers arguing beautifully well. That was when my emotions arose. I cried like a baby and told God: “If it is your will that I should read English Language, then let it be done. But God, to be sincere, I won’t do well as an English Student because I don’t like that course.”

[STAR ADVOCATE OF THE EPISODE-   There will be no star advocate for the episode] 

[Suspense- in next episode, readers will get to know how I ended up reading Law to keep alive the dream of being an Advocate]


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